Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Man Inside His Dreams

He lay slumped against the wall. His demeanour, sluggish. His eyes, listless. His face, solemn. His heart, heavy. Slowly he felt that the hands of Morpheus are taking him..into the dream world....

"Wake up!" An urgent voice. A bit ironic, he thought. Wasn't he sleeping just now? Waking up inside your own dream? Absurd...

He opened his eyes. Beside him stood a man, not a day older nor younger than he. But that man was very thin, emaciated, has the aura of an incarcerated person, not unlike Monte Cristo (from Dumas' work). For now, let us call this strange person in his dreams, as the Man.

"Who are you?" cliched it may be, that was the only question that springs to mind. "I am a friend. You have known me since ages past." said the Man, with a smile. "Come, share with me your miseries, your problems. Unburden yourself." continued the Man.

He felt strange. As if with this Man, he can say anything. Anything that has been troubling him. "I am always haunted by my sins. I am a perpetual sinner. I hate myself because I always wear masks in my life. My family and friends, they see the other side of me all the time. My true character is not readily apparent to them. Secretly, I am rotten inside. I have done many things that I am not proud of. Things that my family & friends will never associate with me. They will be shocked if they ever found out my true self." A bit expository, perhaps, but maybe because he didn't say them out loud to anyone.

The Man said: "So, do you want to change, to become a better person? A kinder person?" He answered: "I really wanted to." "What is holding you back then, from taking the first step to redemption?" "My sins have ingrained themselves, inside me. They have become an integral part of my psyche. Many times that I have tried to subdue this dark side of me, to put it on a leash. Maybe I will succeed to suppress this dark side for a moment, but only for a moment. Then I will be consumed by the darkness again. As if I had never have any control over it." His eyes are baleful, sad. "I am just tired. I have been fighting this darkness for more than a decade, & I didn't seem to be winning this battle for my psyche. It's a losing streak."

"Maybe, you are not sincere in your motives. To the question, why are you embarking on this journey to change yourself?, what will be your answer?" The Man throws a suggestion. "Is it because of God? Or because you only want to please other humans? What if you are the last man alive? What will it be then?"

He pondered this suggestion. The Man continued, "And remember, my friend. Your predicament is not unique to you. If you have the power to peek into people's minds, then you will find that everybody is struggling to be good. Life is a constant struggle. To be good, that requires a lot of sacrifice. The way I see it, you are actually running away from your problems, right? Let us be honest for a second. You have never tried hard enough to conquer you dark side. It has always been your habit, of running away from your problems. My friend, stop running. Running away will never solve anything. If you try to run away & forget, the problems are still there. God decreed us to have problems, so that we may grow & become a better person, should we are able to solve them. Remember, you are not alone. And should you stumble along the way, should you veer down that dark path again, just get up & walk again in this road of life. Humans are not perfect beings. We are not perfect beings. Stop being hard on yourself. Stop wallowing in self-pity. You will never grow up this way. That's another one of your worries, right? You feel envious that your friends are able to face life's struggles head on, emerging more mature & more strong after the encounter, whereas you are still stuck in a rut. Your mind is still stuck in a stasis, for more than a decade. Be strong, take the bull by its horns. Tanpa keberanian, mimpi tidak akan bermakna. " The Man said.

"I will try, no I must do it. I will be brave. I will not run anymore. May God guide me in my struggle." He said.

The Man smiled. "I am glad to hear that conviction. Me being able to talk here to you, is proof that you are heading on the right path now. May you be strong, & may God guide you always."

The Man stood up to leave.

"Wait, you haven't told me your name!" he said.

"I am your Conscience..finally freed from the shackles of Lust."

"Remember God always...& you will never be led astray."

He woke up. And his heart is heavy no more.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Thoughts in the dead of the night...

Assalamualaikum & good nite,

Usually I set a topic to blog about in each posting, but tonite I want to do a little experiment. I just want to set my mind free & see what comes tumbling out of it, trying to do uninhibited posting.

Sometimes I think I am so selfish. I only think that I am the only person with problems in this world, that other people can handle their own problems, but not me. It never occured to me that each & every one of us might be tested by God, in their own way. Simply put, everyone has their own problems to face. Everyone has their own demons that need to be exorcised.

So, maybe I should not be too negative hehe. I think that my previous posts are so full of negative thinking. & only about myself. I rarely talk about other people...or the world. It is always about me. me. me. Never about other than "me".

So much is happening in the world right now. Back at home, Malaysian politics has never been more fragile. So many uncertainties. So many denials. So many hateful, spiteful feelings. So many people who only care about their own interests, their own pots, their own importances.

Globally, there are so MANY conflicts. People kill each other day by day. Humans are such sad creatures. They have brains & reasoning, yet they still kill each other. They alienate each other. They hate each other. They ostracize each other. They hurt each other. The strong oppress the weak. Only because of difference in race, religion, culture, nationality.
Even Meowth from Pokemon has more sense.

"Why should we hurt each other? We all live under the same sky, breathe the same air. If only we realize that we have so many things in common, & not focusing on the few things that we differ in, well, who knows (what might happen)?"

Yes folks, we might be different, you & me, but fundamentally, we are all the same. We all want to be happy. We all want to be loved. We all want to have friends. We eat. We breathe. We die. So, what's all this fuss about you are Chinese, she's a Muslim, & he's a Russian? That's why there are countless conflicts in this world. Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan, Thailand, Phillipines, the list goes on.

World economy is showing signs that it may be on the verge of collapsing, at least a few weeks back. Rice distribution has decreased in some countries, some of the usual rice exporters has suspended their rice export. China is under fire about the perceived mishandling of the Tibetans, what with the Olympics is around the corner, this is certainly the last thing that the government of China wanted to happen. But there are some views that say that there might be biased reporting about this against China. Since some of the mainstream media are owned by governments & business entities which might have a vested interest in seeing China having bad press, so they might play this thing up. It is said that the riot in Lhasa, Tibet, might have been instigated or started by the Tibetans themeselves, & while there are Tibetans who, sadly, died, cases of Tibetans who hurt or kill Chinese citizens in Tibet might go unreported.

Well, everything is not rosy in the world right now it seems.

Haha the irony. Just realized that I have broken my promise in the same posting. This posting is turning out to be a post full of negativities too. Sorry.

As for the Sabine Chronicles, I have bits of idea here & there, but haven't had the time to write it & to arrange the plot. Dear, dear me.

This post is too long, it seems. So, nitey nites.


Friday, April 4, 2008

Downward curve mode...

Hi everyone!

I am very happy that there are some positive responses to my mini-project here, The Sabine Chronicles..especially the latest installment. It was just a brainwave on a Saturday morning, and frankly, after reading it myself, I surmise that there are lots of room for improvement. But I am happy that you guys like it. Just wait for Sabine's (and her master's) next footprints!

My life has always been a roller-coaster ride since 15 years ago. Sometimes, my manners will be good, life is a bed of roses, I am very optimistic. But turn the next corner, round the next bend, then my life will go downhill. I will be full of negative aspects. Lazy, irresponsible to myself, God, family, friends; doesn't take good care of myself, indifferent, not being nice to people, life is a bed of thorns, etc. etc.

Which is my current mode now. What I will call the Evil mode. The Destructive mode. The Damnation mode. The Downward Spiral.
Which is a shame. Just a few weeks back, I was polar opposite. I was in a Good mode. The Enlightened mode. The Beneficient mode. The Upward Curve. What Mr Hirata will say, "Ekstrapolasi kurva yang menanjak..."

So I am waiting for the surge again. The spirit inside me. The drive to be good. The flames of faith to be re-ignited. May Allah still smiles upon this unworthy soul.

"Hidayah is a visitor that we must cherish, lest She goes away again"