Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Man Inside His Dreams

He lay slumped against the wall. His demeanour, sluggish. His eyes, listless. His face, solemn. His heart, heavy. Slowly he felt that the hands of Morpheus are taking him..into the dream world....

"Wake up!" An urgent voice. A bit ironic, he thought. Wasn't he sleeping just now? Waking up inside your own dream? Absurd...

He opened his eyes. Beside him stood a man, not a day older nor younger than he. But that man was very thin, emaciated, has the aura of an incarcerated person, not unlike Monte Cristo (from Dumas' work). For now, let us call this strange person in his dreams, as the Man.

"Who are you?" cliched it may be, that was the only question that springs to mind. "I am a friend. You have known me since ages past." said the Man, with a smile. "Come, share with me your miseries, your problems. Unburden yourself." continued the Man.

He felt strange. As if with this Man, he can say anything. Anything that has been troubling him. "I am always haunted by my sins. I am a perpetual sinner. I hate myself because I always wear masks in my life. My family and friends, they see the other side of me all the time. My true character is not readily apparent to them. Secretly, I am rotten inside. I have done many things that I am not proud of. Things that my family & friends will never associate with me. They will be shocked if they ever found out my true self." A bit expository, perhaps, but maybe because he didn't say them out loud to anyone.

The Man said: "So, do you want to change, to become a better person? A kinder person?" He answered: "I really wanted to." "What is holding you back then, from taking the first step to redemption?" "My sins have ingrained themselves, inside me. They have become an integral part of my psyche. Many times that I have tried to subdue this dark side of me, to put it on a leash. Maybe I will succeed to suppress this dark side for a moment, but only for a moment. Then I will be consumed by the darkness again. As if I had never have any control over it." His eyes are baleful, sad. "I am just tired. I have been fighting this darkness for more than a decade, & I didn't seem to be winning this battle for my psyche. It's a losing streak."

"Maybe, you are not sincere in your motives. To the question, why are you embarking on this journey to change yourself?, what will be your answer?" The Man throws a suggestion. "Is it because of God? Or because you only want to please other humans? What if you are the last man alive? What will it be then?"

He pondered this suggestion. The Man continued, "And remember, my friend. Your predicament is not unique to you. If you have the power to peek into people's minds, then you will find that everybody is struggling to be good. Life is a constant struggle. To be good, that requires a lot of sacrifice. The way I see it, you are actually running away from your problems, right? Let us be honest for a second. You have never tried hard enough to conquer you dark side. It has always been your habit, of running away from your problems. My friend, stop running. Running away will never solve anything. If you try to run away & forget, the problems are still there. God decreed us to have problems, so that we may grow & become a better person, should we are able to solve them. Remember, you are not alone. And should you stumble along the way, should you veer down that dark path again, just get up & walk again in this road of life. Humans are not perfect beings. We are not perfect beings. Stop being hard on yourself. Stop wallowing in self-pity. You will never grow up this way. That's another one of your worries, right? You feel envious that your friends are able to face life's struggles head on, emerging more mature & more strong after the encounter, whereas you are still stuck in a rut. Your mind is still stuck in a stasis, for more than a decade. Be strong, take the bull by its horns. Tanpa keberanian, mimpi tidak akan bermakna. " The Man said.

"I will try, no I must do it. I will be brave. I will not run anymore. May God guide me in my struggle." He said.

The Man smiled. "I am glad to hear that conviction. Me being able to talk here to you, is proof that you are heading on the right path now. May you be strong, & may God guide you always."

The Man stood up to leave.

"Wait, you haven't told me your name!" he said.

"I am your Conscience..finally freed from the shackles of Lust."

"Remember God always...& you will never be led astray."

He woke up. And his heart is heavy no more.

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