Tagged by dear Phaik Hsia

Assalamualaikum & good day..

Taking a cue from Kepam, who am I not to say yes to Phaik Hsia, one of the dearest human to ever walk on Earth..? (^^)

Well, here goes...

tagged by Phaik Hsia!

So,here goes:

TAG #1
The rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names.


Eight random facts about myself

1. I like cute animals, cute here is subjective to my interpretation (^^), e.g. cats, rabbits, hamsters, Wisterian white mice, etc.

2. I like to memorize trivial things and oddities, such as movie lines that piques my interest, e.g. Batman Begins' : Why do we fall sir? We fall so that we may rise again. or Iron-Man's: Proof that Tony Stark still has a heart. or Lion King's: Gee, he looks blue. I say brownish-gold. No, no, I mean he's depressed. O. So, what's eating you, kid? Nothing, he's AT THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN! THE FOOD CHAIN!! (laughs weakly) The memorization is not an active effort, it is subconsciously done. ( I wish I can do the same thing about my studies though )

3. Never had a girl friend. ( but lots of great woman friends, of which I am grateful for their friendship )

4. I have a phobia of creepy-crawlies (insects, arachnoids, etc) especially big ones.. and a mortal fear of heights.

5. All time favourite actors include: Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Jack Nicholson, Anthony Hopkins
If actresseses include: Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Meryl Streep, Resse Witherspoon

6. I don't have a well-defined or set personality. My personality is influenced by mood and my state of faith.

7. Like musics which soothe my head, and having a message is a plus. Again, 'soothing' here is subjective. Favourite songs include Sebelum Terlena-Hijjaz, Reflection-Christina Aguilera, Lelaki Ini -Anuar Zain, Manusia Bodoh-ADA Band, etc.

8. I like to eat. And I am partial to most foods, with only a few real dislikes, e.g petai.


TAG #2
Instructions:
Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question to make it a total of 20 questions.


1. What do you want the most now?
To be a pious Muslim (bertaqwa), and a human being which benefits others.

2. If you can have one more dream come true, what would it be? choose one: cure the environment from global warming and pollution, a cure for cancer, end wars and violence..
End wars and violence. Humans should not be killing each other. It is a sad situation.

3. What are you afraid to lose now?
My faith to Allah.

4. Do you believe in being in love forever?
Yes.

5. If you meet someone you love, would you confess to him/her?
Yes, when the timing is right.

6. What would you do when you're feeling down and depressed?
Pray, take a walk, talk to friends. listen to music...

7. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Hypocrites.

8. Do you cherish every single of your friendships?
Each and everyone. Every human has positive sides, we just have to look for them.

9. Do you believe in God?
Yes.

10. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
My loved ones.

11. Do you find it necessary for you to have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Not necessary. I don't think I am ready for a relationship anyway. I still have many weaknesseses that need to be addressed and improved upon. When the time is right...

12. What do you want your friends to be like?
To be themselves. To love and accept who they are.

13. What kind of friend do you hope to be in your friends' eyes?
A kind, considerate. loving friend.

14. If you can have a change, which part of your character would you like to change?
To always love myself, and seek to improve on my negatives, and strengthening my positives.

15. Would you die in order to save the ones you love?
Yes.

16. What would you do if you've lost everything in one shot?
Accept is as God's decree, and believe whole-heartedly, that there is a silver lining in it. God (Allah) knows best.

17. What would u do if your 'friends' are not really your friends anymore?
Life goes on...

18. What do you see yourself as in the next 5 years?
A tired, overworked junior doctor. But content and fulfilled. Might be a doting uncle. Filial son.

19. When do u think is the best time for you to set up a family?
The best time is relative. Set up a family whenever you feel that you are ready, in terms of maturity and financial.

20. My question: What are your most poignant/memorable childhood memories?
The 8 random people I want to tag:
1. Zaid Hakim
2. Gunaseelan
3. Re-an
4. Kak Fied
5. Njo Njo
6. Ravi
7. Shen Yew
8. Sujen

Bipolar disorder

"Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling."

(From Wikipedia)

I may have discovered my problem. All these years, flip-flopping between personalities which are polar opposites, these might be the condition.

I have bipolar disorder.

The Man Inside His Dreams

He lay slumped against the wall. His demeanour, sluggish. His eyes, listless. His face, solemn. His heart, heavy. Slowly he felt that the hands of Morpheus are taking him..into the dream world....

"Wake up!" An urgent voice. A bit ironic, he thought. Wasn't he sleeping just now? Waking up inside your own dream? Absurd...

He opened his eyes. Beside him stood a man, not a day older nor younger than he. But that man was very thin, emaciated, has the aura of an incarcerated person, not unlike Monte Cristo (from Dumas' work). For now, let us call this strange person in his dreams, as the Man.

"Who are you?" cliched it may be, that was the only question that springs to mind. "I am a friend. You have known me since ages past." said the Man, with a smile. "Come, share with me your miseries, your problems. Unburden yourself." continued the Man.

He felt strange. As if with this Man, he can say anything. Anything that has been troubling him. "I am always haunted by my sins. I am a perpetual sinner. I hate myself because I always wear masks in my life. My family and friends, they see the other side of me all the time. My true character is not readily apparent to them. Secretly, I am rotten inside. I have done many things that I am not proud of. Things that my family & friends will never associate with me. They will be shocked if they ever found out my true self." A bit expository, perhaps, but maybe because he didn't say them out loud to anyone.

The Man said: "So, do you want to change, to become a better person? A kinder person?" He answered: "I really wanted to." "What is holding you back then, from taking the first step to redemption?" "My sins have ingrained themselves, inside me. They have become an integral part of my psyche. Many times that I have tried to subdue this dark side of me, to put it on a leash. Maybe I will succeed to suppress this dark side for a moment, but only for a moment. Then I will be consumed by the darkness again. As if I had never have any control over it." His eyes are baleful, sad. "I am just tired. I have been fighting this darkness for more than a decade, & I didn't seem to be winning this battle for my psyche. It's a losing streak."

"Maybe, you are not sincere in your motives. To the question, why are you embarking on this journey to change yourself?, what will be your answer?" The Man throws a suggestion. "Is it because of God? Or because you only want to please other humans? What if you are the last man alive? What will it be then?"

He pondered this suggestion. The Man continued, "And remember, my friend. Your predicament is not unique to you. If you have the power to peek into people's minds, then you will find that everybody is struggling to be good. Life is a constant struggle. To be good, that requires a lot of sacrifice. The way I see it, you are actually running away from your problems, right? Let us be honest for a second. You have never tried hard enough to conquer you dark side. It has always been your habit, of running away from your problems. My friend, stop running. Running away will never solve anything. If you try to run away & forget, the problems are still there. God decreed us to have problems, so that we may grow & become a better person, should we are able to solve them. Remember, you are not alone. And should you stumble along the way, should you veer down that dark path again, just get up & walk again in this road of life. Humans are not perfect beings. We are not perfect beings. Stop being hard on yourself. Stop wallowing in self-pity. You will never grow up this way. That's another one of your worries, right? You feel envious that your friends are able to face life's struggles head on, emerging more mature & more strong after the encounter, whereas you are still stuck in a rut. Your mind is still stuck in a stasis, for more than a decade. Be strong, take the bull by its horns. Tanpa keberanian, mimpi tidak akan bermakna. " The Man said.

"I will try, no I must do it. I will be brave. I will not run anymore. May God guide me in my struggle." He said.

The Man smiled. "I am glad to hear that conviction. Me being able to talk here to you, is proof that you are heading on the right path now. May you be strong, & may God guide you always."

The Man stood up to leave.

"Wait, you haven't told me your name!" he said.

"I am your Conscience..finally freed from the shackles of Lust."

"Remember God always...& you will never be led astray."

He woke up. And his heart is heavy no more.

Thoughts in the dead of the night...

Assalamualaikum & good nite,

Usually I set a topic to blog about in each posting, but tonite I want to do a little experiment. I just want to set my mind free & see what comes tumbling out of it, trying to do uninhibited posting.

Sometimes I think I am so selfish. I only think that I am the only person with problems in this world, that other people can handle their own problems, but not me. It never occured to me that each & every one of us might be tested by God, in their own way. Simply put, everyone has their own problems to face. Everyone has their own demons that need to be exorcised.

So, maybe I should not be too negative hehe. I think that my previous posts are so full of negative thinking. & only about myself. I rarely talk about other people...or the world. It is always about me. me. me. Never about other than "me".

So much is happening in the world right now. Back at home, Malaysian politics has never been more fragile. So many uncertainties. So many denials. So many hateful, spiteful feelings. So many people who only care about their own interests, their own pots, their own importances.

Globally, there are so MANY conflicts. People kill each other day by day. Humans are such sad creatures. They have brains & reasoning, yet they still kill each other. They alienate each other. They hate each other. They ostracize each other. They hurt each other. The strong oppress the weak. Only because of difference in race, religion, culture, nationality.
Even Meowth from Pokemon has more sense.

"Why should we hurt each other? We all live under the same sky, breathe the same air. If only we realize that we have so many things in common, & not focusing on the few things that we differ in, well, who knows (what might happen)?"

Yes folks, we might be different, you & me, but fundamentally, we are all the same. We all want to be happy. We all want to be loved. We all want to have friends. We eat. We breathe. We die. So, what's all this fuss about you are Chinese, she's a Muslim, & he's a Russian? That's why there are countless conflicts in this world. Iraq, Afghanistan, Sudan, Thailand, Phillipines, the list goes on.

World economy is showing signs that it may be on the verge of collapsing, at least a few weeks back. Rice distribution has decreased in some countries, some of the usual rice exporters has suspended their rice export. China is under fire about the perceived mishandling of the Tibetans, what with the Olympics is around the corner, this is certainly the last thing that the government of China wanted to happen. But there are some views that say that there might be biased reporting about this against China. Since some of the mainstream media are owned by governments & business entities which might have a vested interest in seeing China having bad press, so they might play this thing up. It is said that the riot in Lhasa, Tibet, might have been instigated or started by the Tibetans themeselves, & while there are Tibetans who, sadly, died, cases of Tibetans who hurt or kill Chinese citizens in Tibet might go unreported.

Well, everything is not rosy in the world right now it seems.

Haha the irony. Just realized that I have broken my promise in the same posting. This posting is turning out to be a post full of negativities too. Sorry.

As for the Sabine Chronicles, I have bits of idea here & there, but haven't had the time to write it & to arrange the plot. Dear, dear me.

This post is too long, it seems. So, nitey nites.

Wassalam...

Downward curve mode...

Hi everyone!

I am very happy that there are some positive responses to my mini-project here, The Sabine Chronicles..especially the latest installment. It was just a brainwave on a Saturday morning, and frankly, after reading it myself, I surmise that there are lots of room for improvement. But I am happy that you guys like it. Just wait for Sabine's (and her master's) next footprints!

My life has always been a roller-coaster ride since 15 years ago. Sometimes, my manners will be good, life is a bed of roses, I am very optimistic. But turn the next corner, round the next bend, then my life will go downhill. I will be full of negative aspects. Lazy, irresponsible to myself, God, family, friends; doesn't take good care of myself, indifferent, not being nice to people, life is a bed of thorns, etc. etc.

Which is my current mode now. What I will call the Evil mode. The Destructive mode. The Damnation mode. The Downward Spiral.
Which is a shame. Just a few weeks back, I was polar opposite. I was in a Good mode. The Enlightened mode. The Beneficient mode. The Upward Curve. What Mr Hirata will say, "Ekstrapolasi kurva yang menanjak..."

So I am waiting for the surge again. The spirit inside me. The drive to be good. The flames of faith to be re-ignited. May Allah still smiles upon this unworthy soul.

"Hidayah is a visitor that we must cherish, lest She goes away again"

Wassalam.

The Sabine Chronicles 2: Not taking his own medicine...

Previous part of the story...Lonely broken heart

"Love is a complex thing, isn't it?" asked Fauzan. "You hit the nail there, my friend.." Adnan agreed.

These two friends are sharing a cup of tea in downtown Ampang. A small terrace house..small but nice and neat. Adnan's house.

"Sometimes I can't figure out what are the women are thinking about! They befuddled me!" Fauzan's air of exasperation is palpable. "Sigmund Freud also said as much. Years of analyzing the female psyche, the poor thinker still can't crack the women mind. But to be fair to the womenfolk, we are also an enigma to them." Adnan rambled on.

Fauzan grinned. "I guess you are right. I mean, really, Manihah is a dear, but sometimes, I just can't understand her behaviour, her feelings. I wanted to understand her so badly, but it's like there is a wall or something!" Adnan smiled in return. "You are in a male's familiar territory. Just relax." A pregnant pause. "So have you told her yet? You guys have been going out for months now, but you never really told your feelings about her.."

Fauzan heaved a sigh. "I wanted to, but part of me is holding back. I am afraid that she will reject me, or that I am not good enough for her. I mean, maybe the reason she agreed to hang out with me is because I am good as a colleague, but not good enough to be with in a long-term relationship."

Adnan reflected a bit, & countered, "Well, being rejected is part & parcel of one's love life. My friend, see it this way. If you don't be honest with Manihah about your feelings, then she will never know it. Your relationship will never go anywhere. It just ends there, period. You must be willing to take the plunge. Especially in our culture, the man is supposed to make the move, not the girl. & even if she's not interested in you,take that as a learning experience. Improve you strengths, suppress your weakness. There is somebody out there, for everyone. It is Allah's promise. And His promise is always true."

Fauzan pondered, then, "Yes, maybe you are right. But still, it will not be easy. The confessing part, I mean."
Adnan said, "Yes, it is hard. But just relax." Then he hummed a tune, "If things go right we're meant to be.."

"Haha. What is it this time? Which song is that?" Fauzan is curious. "Norwegian guy. Sondre Lerche. Song name is Modern Nature. The message is about letting a relationship runs it course, not restricted by too much plans, & accepting whatever the outcome: be it separate ways, or together forever." Adnan explained.

"Ok then, I think I have to go. Graveyard shift today. & Dr Leo is not fond of stragglers." Fauzan rose. "Yeah, nice chat we had this evening. Tomorrow I have to check on Mrs Lim. Hope her leg is better now." Adnan is leading Fauzan to the door.

"All in a day's work, eh? I see you when I see you." Fauzan is starting the Waja. "Ok. & Fauzan." pregnant pause. "Remember, love is not just feelings. It is also an ability. Tell Manihah about your feelings, ok? Best of luck!" Fauzan laughs. "& that line would be from...?" Adnan answered, "Dan In Real Life. Steve Carell. Old movie."

"Alright mate. see ya. salam." Fauzan waved. & he's gone. Adnan waved to the distance, then went back inside.

Something white & fluffy darted across the patio. "Sabine, where have you been?" Adnan scratched his cat's chin playfully. But Sabine still has her eyes fixed on her master. Accusatory eyes. Adnan said, "So, you think that I didn't walk the talk, eh? I am only able to fix other people's love lives, but my own. Kinda like Hitch." Adnan smiled. Sabine nodded.

Adnan carried Sabine up his lap, & rested on the couch. Flashes of past events in his life passes thru his mind. Then, one face sprung up. A lovely face, pretty, & always fill his heart with warmth. "That was a long time ago. She is probably married now." He opened his eyes. Sabine's lamp-like eyes are staring back.

Minutes passed by. "You know what, Sabine? Maybe I will be taking my own medicine from now on. I'll give it a try." Adnan rose up. "After all, love is also an ability, isn't it?"

Sabine yawned.

"Where is she now, I wonder?". Adnan smiled.

continued in It was a cold night...

Not enough time...

Assalamualaikum, good day...

I have shied away from blogging for a while these past few weeks. IMO, there's three axis that is crucial for all bloggers...namely, ideas, mood, & time. Let's just say that I am fairly brimming with the former two, but alas..time is not my ally these days.

I have to clear up many deadwoods over the past fortnight, not to mention exams & organizational work, that even if I am currently in a four-days holiday streak, I am still not finished with my responsibilities. But Alhamdulillah, some of the things that I have been meaning to do for days / weeks are finished. (mopping & dusting the room, etc). But it's not all work folks haha. Still managed to enjoy the break a bit, what with some of my friends are March babes! ( happy birthdays to Nadiah, Swarna, Aida, Dayah, & Phaik Hsia!) & there's a slew of birthday bashes!

Simply put, when I have time constraints..blogging have to be put in the back burner, coz I am such a slow typer...take me ages to type a paragraph, hehe. My dream was to blog vignette-style (short & concise), but it seems that I cannot adapt to that style...at least not yet.

Oh yes, the reason why suddenly I am drowning in a lot of work..is because some of this work or responsibilities are actually things that I should have finished months or weeks ago (organization reports, house cleaning, studies)...but because of my laziness & foot-shuffling, they have accumulated to a great extent, that I just can't gloss over them any longer hehe. & Alhamdulillah, in these past recent days, I am getting a bit hardworking, so I am tackling my mounting workload, bit by bit, one at a time, slowly but surely. Hopefully I will be able to finish them all haha. & hopefully I will not be afflicted by laziness again. :) So the lesson, peeps, never procrastinate! Get the job done! haha.

As the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
"The two blessings that are usually forgotten by mankind: good health & free time."

Till next time...got to wash the bathroom this afternoon....Insya Allah...
Toodles! wassalam.....

For the next 5 years...

Assalamualaikum & good day...

Today Malaysians go to the polls...to choose the State & Federal governments for the next 5 years (or less)...

As has been the norm in Malaysian polls in recent years, the spectre of cheating in the polls loom over the horizon. Vote-rigging, phantom voters, vote-buying, etc. are just a number of possible ways to cheat, especially for the ruling Barisan Nasional (BN). It is really sad that the BN has to resort to this dirty & underhanded tactics to preserve their power base. At the eleventh hour, the Election Committee decide to shelve the plan of using the voting inks (special inks which stay on your skin for a few days, applied when you have voted, so that you can't double vote). .

& any sane Malaysian, regardless of political alignments, can see that the mainstream media in Malaysia is totally controlled by the BN government. They lavish praises & showed the ruling government in positive light, while highlighting only the negative aspects of the Opposition. Do I hear responsible reporting? Sadly, apparently not. & I roll my eyes when I see in the news that the BN politicians are whining that the Malaysian blog community in general is Pro-Opposition, & labelling the Opposition as cowards when they express their views in blogs. If the BN has been fair in giving ample media coverage to the Opposition, the Opposition wouldn't have resorted to underground methods in the first place. Well, if the Opposition are "cowards", well what can we call the BN politicians then, hiding behind the lopsided media coverage? Maybe "wussies". :)

I have a moderate inclination in politics, but I just can't stand people who fight dirty. Let the people vote accordingly. There's no need to tamper with the results. & equal amount of airtime for everyone please!

May justice prevails...& may the politicians who have the peoples' interest in their hearts win (regardless from BN or opposition)...

Counting your blessings...(bersyukur)

Assalamualaikum & good day,

Lately, I've been catching myself doing a lot of complaints & grumblings...like..."medical life is hard"..."I am officially broke"..."I am not good-looking enough"....

While at the same time forgetting that I am truly blessed, it's just I doesn't realise it...because you see..it's so easy to complete the above sentences with...

medical life is hard...but at least I am given the opportunity to learn & have an education..
I am officially broke...but at least I still have enough money to eat square meals every day...
I am not good-looking enough...but at least I am in good health & dont have any disabilities...

Aren't we all like that sometimes? We think that Allah/God is being unfair.....that life is being unfair to us...

But take a break & count your blessings..sometimes it is so important yet we dont realize it, we tend to overlook it..

for example..how can you read these writings? Because you have eyes that gives us the lovely gift of sight...which begs the question: how many of us has been grateful to God for our eyes?

& that's just one example of overlooked blessings...there are many more blessings that we never take the time to appreciate...our friends..our health.. our healthy psyche..

& yet we always seemed to want more...we are always jealous of other people's lives...but maybe we should remember too..that the grass always seemed to be greener on the other side...

It is stated in the Koran, chapter Ibrahim, verse 34:

"And He giveth you of all that ye ask for. But if ye count the favours of Allah, never will ye be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude."

True, right? If we are to sit down & try to count our blessings..we will never be able to count them. God has given us so much, yet we are being ungrateful & asked for more.

So, my friends, the next time you are feeling down in the dumps, feeling that God has given you a hard deal, or anything is giving you a hard time...remember to count your blessings..& smile...& your life will not seem so bad, in fact, not bad at all....

On turning 23...

Assalamualaikum & good morning,

So I am finally 23 years of age. Alhamdulillah, through Allah's grace I managed to stay alive up to this point. I am really glad.

Hopefully, this will finally be the year I made good on my unfulfilled promises of yester-years, & I will be able to achieve my dreams, & I can be the man that I always hoped to be..
( I seem to be using these words often, didn't I? :) )

Insya-Allah, with His mercy & guidance...I will change myself for the better...& be on the right path..all the way...