These past 23 years...

Beside a garden pond, sat a young man..lost in thought...
Not for the first time in life, but this was different..
His next birthday is approaching..in less than a week's time he will reach 23...

He was a bit sad..because it dawned on him that he 'might' have wasted his life...ever since he can reason...on each of his birthday he always make a pact, or promise, with himself, that
"this year, is the year that I will finally be good, that I will become the kind of person that I have always wanted to be"

He looked back, & he saw 10 broken promises..and dreams shattered..
On each birthday..he realized that along the past year...he have failed to realize his dreams.. again...

He thinks that he has been a failure..that his existence in this world is not justified..because in his eyes...he sees that everyone in this world is important...has a role to play...everyone but him..

As a son, he has failed to fulfill his parents' wishes & in repaying their kindness...as the eldest brother..he has failed to become a loving & model brother..
As a friend, he has failed to be a good friend...to be caring & considerate to others...
As a human being, he hasn't contributed anything worthwhile to the human society..

& what is worse, he thinks that he has sinned too much in God's eyes...to be given His forgiveness & His blessings...

For you see, the man harbours deep secrets...unseen crimes...to his friends he might appear kind & good...but he is not good...his friends might be shocked if they really know him..
He feels dirty & ashamed with himself because he has fooled other people with his acting "nice & good"..
He likes & identifies himself with the song Reflection by Christina Aguilera... "Why is my reflection someone I don't know...When will my reflection show who I am inside..."

Every day of his life has been a constant struggle..he always want to be good..but everytime he will be lead astray by his lust & bad habits..

But this time..on his 11th promise..he intend to fulfill it...to make good of the promise..
He wanted to become a better person & a kind person, this time for real, no more false pretences ...
& this time, he hoped that God will smile for him, help him in loosening the Devil's hold on his poor self..& forgive him for his mountainous past transgressions...his past mistakes...

Maybe he is feeling that this year the winds of change are upon him..

& to the God above he recite this solemn prayer, with the pond as his witness:

O Allah,
Please help me:
in finding the right path..leading away from this darkness in my heart
in being a good servant to you, a good son, a good brother, a good friend, a good human
in loving myself & being grateful for what you have given me
in realizing my true potential..in improving on my strengths & minimizing my weaknesses

He gets up & walked home, smiling...for he believed & truly hoped that..there won't be anymore broken promises...& the eleventh time is the charm...

Health & Free Time

Assalamualaikum & good day...

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon Him) once said:
"Two of the blessings that are most always forgotten by Man: Health & Free time."

Last week I got really sick..it's been a while since I last fell sick..& when God gave it to me...He gave it quite bad hehe...

Well, the fault's mine anyway...wasn't eating right, so my stomach was filled with air...& I wasn't sleeping enough...next time I know...I woke up the next day feeling very nauseous...& vomit about 3 times that day. I think I haven't vomitted that much for 4 years now. Later in the day I developed diarrhea & slight fever. The diarrhea took me 3 days to clear out.

During my sickness, I truly appreciate being healthy all this while. I was unable to eat, unable to move freely, feeling dizzy, chilly, & what nots.
For 4 days my productivity dropped. So after I get better, I have to finish all my work in reduced time...& at that time I really appreciate my free time...& wish I hadn't wasted them...

Thank you God for reminding me of the importance of health & free time..... (^^)

& thx to my friends who helped me & wished me well through my sickness. There could never be better friends.

The Sabine Chronicles 1: Lonely, broken heart...

"It's happening again...!"...the young man muttered.
He was referring to that pain in his chest. Somewhere over the heart region, to be precise.
"Guess it's true what they say about heartbreak, eh? Heartbreaks do exist"... he mused again.

What was the trigger to that pain now worming through his chest?.....

He just saw a loving couple holding hands. & this is not, by all means, the only possible trigger, no, heavens no!
Whenever he sees a family, especially parents with young kids; or any couple who looks happy with each other, or watch (or read) any love stories, heck..any signs of affection...
he will feel that pain...it's like someone stabbing a knife, lightly, to his chest...just above the stomach...& that dull, aching pain runs it course to his heart...ending with a thud..

Don't judge him wrong. He's not anti-social. Far from it. He likes humans. Has many friends.
He's happy for all the loving couples, loving families of this world.
He cheered when Sally Albright finally made it up with Harry Burns, cried tears of joy when Joe Fox kisses Kathleen Kelly at the Riverside Park, and clapped when Lucy Moderatz married Jack Callaghan on the Chicago train.
He's happy seeing his friends, with their wives or husbands, or their couple, & also his friends' childrens, happy in just seeing them happy, sharing the happiness & making them his own happiness.

It's just that, seeing all these things reminded him, time & again, "Where is my own happiness?"

Because for him, there's no one to go home to.
Every time he gets back from the hospital, drives back home, opens the door, ...he repeated Michelle Pfeiffer's line from Batman Returns.."Honey, I'm home....owh, I forgot, I'm not married"...over & over, every single day...

Thank God for Sabine, who shares his apartment.

Now before you get all worked up ("there, you said he has nobody? Who's Sabine?") , bear in mind that Sabine's scientific name is Felis domesticus. "Well, it's you & me again for tonite, Sabine."....he will say, absent-mindedly patting Sabine on the head, or scratching her chin...watching re-runs of The Simpsons on cable tv.
He knows, of course, that Sabine can never truly replace human companionship. But, Sabine's all that he got on a daily basis.

He does have his family, his parents, & his sisters. But he doesnt want to trouble them too much.

His parents live within 30 minutes' drive from his place. He's a filial son. He loves his parents so much, & tried to visit them every weekend, or at least once a fortnight.
His parents also love him dearly, but whenever his back is turned, his mother would gaze sadly at his back, sensing that her only son is really lonely & unhappy, deep down, but she choose not to say anything, so as not to hurt his pride.

& his sisters already have their own families. He adores his brother-in-laws too.Approved of them. Angah now have 3 doting angels now, Adik is expecting her 2nd child.
His nephew & nieces always greet him happily, on his occasional visit once or twice a month, asking "Uncle, Uncle! What do you bring us this time?"...and for a moment he forgot all his worries, & treat them like his own children..but then the time comes for the visit to end, & with a peck to his sisters' cheeks & "see u later Sis" & bidding goodbye to their husbands..the pain resides again in his chest, like it was meant to be there all along. & his sisters' gazes are similar to his mother's.

Time is running out for him. Did I mention that he's not the youngest of his siblings? No, in fact he's the eldest of the three.
Yes, in a Malay society, he's the Pak Long (eldest uncle), albeit a weird Pak Long, because you would expect that as a Pak Long, he would have the most kids. Not in this story, no.

His gaze is distant, as a man who is resigned to his fate.
If you see into his dark eyes, they will feel bottomless.
As if his eyes has the power to suck you into a vortex. A black hole.
The eyes of a man who is weary, who has weathered a lot of heartbreaks.
The eyes of a man with a lonely, broken heart...

How does he become like this?...a story for another time...perhaps...

continued in Not taking his own medicine

Suharto's Death: Let Bygones Be Bygones?

Assalamualaikum & good day,

Last Sunday, 27 January 2008, Indonesian time, Suharto died due to multiple organ failure. He was 86.

I grew up practically knowing him as the leader of Indonesia. Then, he was forced to step down during the political & economic upheaval in Indonesia...in 1998. He was president of Indonesia since 1967, so at 31 years of reign, many quarters said that his reign as a country head was the 2nd longest in the world, next only to Fidel Castro, the Cuban leader. He was the 2nd one after Sukarno.

He has been hospitalized for nearly a month..and during that period, many Indonesians are not happy that he's dying...not happy here can have 2 meanings actually.

His supporters mourn the passing of a great man, while his detractors are wondering why Suharto can escape scot-free from his crimes in this world...to the peace of death.

Suharto's reign was controversial, to say the least.

True, his reign marked a period of stability and economic growth for Indonesia, the likes of which his succesors have struggled to emulate.

But, it was also marred with myriad of problems.

The stability is achieved by using military might, & since Suharto is anti-communist & anti-Chinese, it is alleged that there are many pro-Communists & people of Chinese descent who lost their lives during his rule.

& the economic growth? It was not enjoyed by all Indonesians. A lot of them is embezzled by Suharto & his family. It is alleged that Suharto inducted a number of economic policies that enriches his family, e.g. by forcing the people to do economic transactions only through corporate entities that are manned by his family members. It is alleged that the embezzlement is worth around 35 billion USD.

So, when Suharto stepped down, he was put on trial for embezzlement charges, & human rights violation charges. But the trial never take flight. His lawyers managed to prove that by that time, Suharto was too ill, & was not fit to stand trial.

So even when he's nearing death, the victims of his rule still want justice to be served. They thought that it's not fair that he can get away with his heinous crimes.

This situation is...sensitive. As a foreigner studying in Indonesia, I have no right to be supportive of him in the public, nor to be critical of him, since I never experienced Indonesia under his rule, nor I was the victim of his policies.

So, I just voice out my opinions here. I think that in death, a person should be forgiven. Because, if all the allegations are true, then even if he can escape the judgment of humanity, he has still God to answer to for his deeds. (unless you are an atheist or an agnostic, dear reader).

I hope that Suharto will be given due punishment by God, & may his wrongdoings be absolved as a result...

Resolutions...Attainable?

Assalamualaikum & good day...

It's been nearly a month since 2008 arrives...& about 2 weeks since the new Islamic year of 1429...

I scribbled a list of resolutions a few weeks back...
Not all I can list down here...due to personal reasons...but some of them would be...

*Trying harder in my studies...not being a lazy-bum anymore...loving the learning process
*Be more mature & dependable
*Be more responsible with regards to my duties
*Be more confident & assertive
*Be more street-wise & have more common sense
*Cherish my family more & be a really good son & brother
*Be more cheerful to families, friend & strangers alike, & less of a wet blanket
*Be a lot kinder, & treat EVERY people with love & respect
*Not being envious of other people, & happy being me
*Be more pious & closer to Allah
*Be more upbeat & optimistic
*Be more humorous
*Be a good planner & a good executer of plans

Some of the things in the list has been there year in year out for the last decade of my life....will this year be the year that I finally can achieve them?

I hope so. It's tiring to have to carry the same old baggage year after year...ameen...

Happy (belated) New Year & Selamat (belated) Maal Hijrah evry one...

Day of Sacrifice: Eid Adha

Assalamualaikum & good day...

Less than a day left, until Eid Adha is celebrated in Jogja, & probably not long after that in Muslim worlds at large, & wherever there are pockets of Muslims worldwide.

For the uninitiated, Eid Adha is one of the main Islamic festivities, celebrated every Islamic year, on the 10th day of the final month of the year, Dzul Hijjah. It is celebrated to commemorate the sacrifice made by the Prophet Abraham.

Abraham was willing to kill his own son, Prophet Ishmael (Ishmael then was a young boy of about 10), when ordered so by Allah, & Ishmael also displayed true faith when he was also willing to be sacrificed.

Along the way to the sacrificial site, Satan disguised himself as humans, trying to waylaid the Prophets, trying to convince them to disobey Allah's orders. But the Prophets never waver in their faith. Nor in their conviction.

However, when Abraham's knife was already at Ishmael's neck, an angel came with a qibash. (a type of sheep). It turned out that Allah was testing Abraham's faith & piety to Allah, & Allah gave the qibash to Abraham, & ordered him to kill it in Ishmael's place.

Thus, Eid Adha is celebrated with the underlying theme of sacrifice in the name of Allah.

It is also encouraged (sunat) for Muslims to sacrifice four-legged farm animals (cow, goat, sheep, camel, etc. but not pigs, which can't be consumed by Muslims) on Eid Adha, or in the space of three days after Eid Adha, & the meat from the sacrifice is given to the poor & the needy.

Traditions hold that Islam considers Eid Adha as even bigger in terms of significance than Eid Fitr (celebration after finishing the fasting month). However, in Malaysia & perhaps Indonesia, Eid Adha is generally celebrated with less fanfare than Eid Fitr. This is a sad thing, really, as we Muslims should at least elevate Eid Adha's status to where it rightfully belongs.

Many Muslims also seemed to forget the theme of sacrifice. IMO, Eid Adha is more than just the special morning prayers, more than just sacrificing animals & giving meat to the poor (although these actions themselves are virtous). Eid Adha is about your willingness to let go of something you really cared, something you really liked, letting them go because you want to obey Allah's orders.

It is also about sacrificing certain things to achieve something, such as reducing your play time for your studies, so that you will learn more & become a better person.

It is also about your willingness to go the extra mile in whatever endeavours.

Have a Happy Eid Adha, everyone....

Wassalam....

Cloudy Days...

Assalamualaikum & good day...

Well, it looks like this evening in Jogja is cloudy again...the dark cloudy type...

Don't get me wrong here, hehe. I have no issues or 'a bone to pick' with dark cloudy days...it's just that I can't help but feel a bit sad & retrospective whenever they come a knockin'...rainy days are even worse ..(^^)

Funny isn't it? Most people will certainly welcome cloudy or rainy days with wide open arms, the kind of time when they can read a good book, curl by the fireplace (in temperate countries that is), spending time with loved ones, or just simply curled up in bed...in classic fetal position..& have a nice slumber...

Not me hehe (further proof that I am unusual & weird, folks)..my ideal weather would be cloudy BUT with the sun just behind the clouds (playing hide-and-seek with us mortal souls), & with some wind..that kind of weather really makes me feel good & upbeat..

When it's dark clouds..or heavy rain...I will be silent..retrospective..reminiscing..be nostalgic..be a bit sad..wistful..thinking of past regrets..

But rest assured..all are not lost for me on dark cloudy days...there are positive things that I can glean out of them...I consider days like this as my personal pause button..so that I can get out of high gear for a while..thinking whether I have treated other people with kindness...whether I have behaved badly...

Not too bad...after all...these dark, cloudy days......

Wassalam & good day...

p/s: Idul Adha is just around the corner for Muslims...(^^,)

Feeling Lost...with 7 Deadly Sins to boot!

Just finished the anatomy exam for this block...alhamdulillah...
...
Don't know why I'm feeling so listless & lost, sad sometimes ;)...these couple of weeks...

And after chatting with Phaik Hsia, I also realized that I am now afflicted with 4 of the 7 Deadly Sins...I am now constantly feeling Envy-ious of other people, I eat a lot (Gluttony!), feeling so lazy most of the times (that Sloth folks!), and being so arrogant (enter Pride)..

Hopefully I can break out of these character molds soon (Ameen)...bcoz I seriously am hating the way I behave now....huhu....

Let's just hope that the remaining members of the Sins, (Wrath, Greed, Lust)..don't become permanent members of my psyche...

A Twilight Zone-kind of scenario, and scary....

Nevertheless possible...

Hopefully will never happen....

Signing off, wassalam.....

This Man...Who Will Always Love You (Anuar Zain did it again!)

Lelaki Ini

Kasih, kenanganku
Ingatkah saat saat dulu
Kasih, apakah dirimu
Merasakan semua itu
Ke mana pun langkahku pergi
Ku masih melihat bayanganmu cintaku
Dan kemana pun arah anginku berlari
Hati ini masih kau miliki

Korus:
Lelaki ini yang selalu mencintamu
Selalu, tanpa ragu
Lelaki ini yang selalu memuja
Hanya dirimu
Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku

Sanubari ku
Aku yang mencintakan mu
Hanya dirimu…

Karena cintaku, tak berbatas waktu
Karena cintaku, tak mengenal jenuh hatimu
Hatimu…

(ulang korus) 2x

Yang bertakhta dalam sanubariku...

... once again Anuar Zain (Malaysian singer for the uniniated) has done it again...for me at least..but..judging from the general response of the Malaysian public to "Lelaki Ini", I would say that he enthralled some more hearts other than mine...

Previously, my fav Anuar Zain (AZ) songs are Keabadian Cinta, Sesucinya Cintamu, & Semuanya Untukmu. It's been a while since I heard a really good song from AZ.

Don't get me wrong. His other songs are good too.
It's just that when I am listening to music, I usually appreciate the songs, rather than the singer.
If I listen to singer A, I might be attracted to some of his songs, while at the same time not really liking his other songs. Case in point, I like Maroon 5's Must Get Out, but find This Love too out of my taste.
I also tend to appreciate songs that I can relate to, songs that in my view have some meanings for me. Case in point, Christina Aguilera's Reflection.
And I don't care about languages either. If it has good music & meaning, by all means, reel me in! Case in point, L-Arc-En-Ciel's (Japanese) 4th Avenue Cafe.

Haha..sorry such lengthy exposition...now back to AZ.. & Lelaki Ini..
This song is really nice, & a bit different from his previous songs. In fact, all the songs in his new album, Anuar Zain, seems to be a departure from his previous albums. This could be due to the fact that this time around, AZ decided to rely on Indonesian songwriters and composers. Only one Malaysian composer is involved, Jenny Chin, while the other composers hail from Indonesia.
I tried to find out which one of them has a hand in making Lelaki Ini, but can't manage to find it.

What I like about this song was the message that is delivered.
To me, it sounded like this guy in question really likes the woman, & regardless of place & time, & whether the woman returns his feelings, his heart will forever be hers, & his heart will never belong to anybody else.
It's like throughout the song, the guy was trying to convince the woman of this matter, & the way AZ sings it, we can truly sense the guy's sincerity. The guy wasn't being pushy either, it seems that he will accept the fact that the woman might not love her, the guy was just voicing out his feelings, so that the woman knew how he felt. A bittersweet feeling permeates throughout the song, perhaps accompanied by melancholic feeling too.
The song ended with the guy's affirmation that she will always be the only one for him. The ending seems to be open-ended as to whether the woman will accept his undying love or not, it seems more likely she will not, yet I can't help but rooting for the guy, hoping that his love will be returned.

The message aside, the music also didn't disappoint. The use of orchestra as the background singers really add as a nice touch, and sets the right mood for the song. The use of orchesta sets a haunting mood, some might call it nostalgic too, which leads one to suspect that actually, the woman is already attracted to someone else, that the guy was just reminiscing wistfully of a love that he might have had, but can't. The way that AZ and the background singers plays off each other are superb, & shows chemistry. I also like the part of the song, where the chorus is sung by a sole female background singer, which plays off well with AZ's take of the chorus beforehand. Makes me want to know who she is!

Alas, my only beef with the song is, surprise 2x, the crescendo. When AZ sings the words, sanubariku, aku yang mencintakan mu...it sounds just a wee bit weird..as if this part of the song is not in sync with the rest of the song..but, it's not too out of place..

After hearing Lelaki Ini, I wondered for the umpteenth time, is AZ singing about himself in his songs? I do hope that he will meet his soulmate soon. At 37, time is not on his side.

Here's to u, AZ. Hope that you meet the love of your life, any time soon....:)

A Piscean who loves cats...

Now, let's see if I can still do this blogging thing...after a long hiatus (inhales deeply...:) )...

If somebody ever asked me what are my favourite animals...I would definitely say cats as one of them..rabbits too..but for today..I'll talk about cats...

Once I put the title "Cat Lover" as my flash disk's name...& it was met by derision & laughter by my friend Kuden...he said it sounded like a really bad porn star name (his words) haha...yeah on hindsight..it does sound like one..

Anyway, why do I find cats interesting? maybe it's just the way they strut, so full of confidence & pride, or one might also say with a certain air of arrogance :) ...it's just that I am not that confident of myself, as cats are...detractors might say I give cats some human qualities :P ...still I hope u get what I'm trying to say...

& consider this, even the Egyptians treat their cats as family members, to be given proper burial rites just like other human family members..heck they even have a cat god, Bast
(although it leads Robin Williams to joke about it.."that's why when the Red Sea close up on the Pharaoh, & he calls out to his God, his Cat God can't do shit 'coz he's afraid of the water...")

And for people who always say that "dogs are better 'coz they r more social than cats..cats r so anti-social"...
well..let me quote from wiki :P (with some editing, for better flow,mind)
"The typical negative stereotype of a cat describes a very solitary animal, prone to aloofness and self-sufficiency.
However, cats are not generally as asocial as that stereotype, it's just that cats don't have a pack mentality.
This mainly means that an individual cat takes care of all basic needs on its own (e.g., finding food, and defending itself), and thus cats are always lone hunters; they do not hunt in groups as dogs or lions do.
One example of how house cats are naturally meant to behave is to observe feral domestic cats, which are social enough to form colonies..."

Plus, combined with the cats' cuteness & pest-controlling habits, you'll be hard-pressed to find a better pet.
[I can almost hear my friends' saying, "hmmph, if Haneef likes something, he finds whatever reasons, no matter how insignificant, to support his argument" :) ]

Actually, I think dogs are good pets too, its just due to my Islamic obligations, so I can't really take dogs as pets.. :)....another topic for another time...

Ahh..cats..what's not to love?...

p/s: do u know that a mother cat can be pregnant with offsprings from different fathers? The reason that this can happen because cats are one of the animals that can experience superfecund, i.e. fertilisation of two or more ova from the same cycle by sperm from separate acts of sexual intercourse.
In simple words, a female cat usually have more than one ovum per estrous cycle, and at the same time they have multiple partners, so their eggs can be fertilized by sperms from different male cats.
(don't worry, superfecund phenomenon in humans are extremely rare, because women rarely have more than one egg, and and are usually monogamous, at least in one estrous cycle)